What is grief?

 What is grief? If you look up the word grief in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, you are given the following definition: a deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement; a cause of such suffering. 

Funny that the definition is not longer for something that is so vast and truly unknown. There are so many that experience grief on a daily basis, and grief looks different on absolutely everyone. You could place a family in a room that has just lost a loved one, and no 2 family members are going to describe their grief as the same. It manifests itself in ways that we would never imagine having to feel. I'm sure that if I were to take a poll about what grief feels like to you, I could get 100s of different answers.  

If I were to answer the question, what is grief, this is how I would define it. It is like a wave that over takes you when you least expect it. It takes your breath away in moments of joy when it comes for a fleeting thought. It drowns you as wave after wave tumble upon you. It occupies every ounce of your mind until you can think of nothing else. It eats away at your inner being as if a virus that has taken up host in your body. Grief sucks. 

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Almost 24 years ago, unthinkable tragedy struck our family. On Mother's Day, May 9, 1999, my aunt, Penny Brown, lost her life to a senseless act of violence. This absolutely rocked her small town and surrounding area, and our family was never the same again. She was a devoted wife and mother, a loving daughter and sister, fun aunt, and my godmother. My memories of summers in New York are filled with memories of her. Her smile, her laughter, her love for ice cream, and her hugs. I can still smell the sweet, floral scent of a perfume she wore. Funny how some memories fade away, but others are forever implanted in our core memories. 

I remember that Mother's Day night as if it were yesterday. I remember being told about what happened. I remember the flight to New York. I remember everything just being chaos and tears. I remember the visitation. The funeral. The family time. I remember going back to school and my friends asking me questions. I remember that summer we spent in New York, and how it was unlike any other that we had spent there. Some of these, are things that I wish I could forever erase from my memory, but for some odd reason, they are there, and vivid. Constant reminders of what was taken from us; what we lost. 

I do not think that there is a day that goes by that I don't think about my aunt, and everything that she has missed over the past 20 years. Weddings, babies, deaths, watching her girls become beautiful women and all of their milestones. Aunt Penny had just delivered her 100th baby as a beloved Nurse-Midwife in the area. Helping women and babies was her passion, and she thrived at it. 

It is hard to describe all that she has missed, without saying that we have missed her at every family function, whether it be a dinner, a vacation, a wedding, or welcoming a new baby into the family, which I am positive would have been her absolute favorite thing to do, hands down.

I am quite sure she would have flown down upon hearing about my sweet Evelyn's arrival into our family. You can be certain that she will hear stories about her and know who she was. Since her first days, when she would smile to something beyond me, or babble away to herself, we have asked her if she is talking to her angels? I would like to think that Aunt Penny played a part in keeping sweet E safe for 9 months, and made sure that all the right things happened for E to make it into our arms. 

I do not think that in a situation such as this that justice can every truly be served. We cannot be given back our beloved Penny. My cousins will never get back their mom, my mom will never get back her sister. We can only move forward, and keep on living our lives as she would want us to. 

The only semblance of justice served was the hope that her killer would spend the rest of his days in a jail cell. He was sentenced 9 years to life with the possibility of parole. This was the maximum sentence at the time for a juveniles convicted of 2nd Degree Murder.  Nine years flew by, and he was up for parole for the first time. He was denied. He was denied every 2 years until this fateful February when the New York State Parole Board decided that he would be granted parole. How in the world could someone who has been convicted of murder and sexual assault be allowed to freely walk the streets again? I believe that he lost that privilege when he decided to end my aunt's life. 

As a family, it is absolutely horrifying, maddening, frustrating, and sickening that he will be let out. It is like having to live this nightmare all over again. 

The parole board has blatantly ignored the victims in this instance. The communities of WNY were rattled by this heinous crime, and should not be subject to him being out. 

Our family was given a life sentence when Penny's life was taken. This man has only served a sentence of 24 years. How in the world is this justice? How is this fair? How is this 'ok' by the parole board? The sick irony of it all...he is 39. The same age of Penny when he took her life, without regard for it. 

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Here come the waves...here come the clouds...here comes the grief and anger. One can only hope and pray that someone will come to their senses on that Parole Board, that someone will listen to the pleas of the senators and congressmen, that someone will hear the cries of the communities outraged, and that someone will respect the family and keep him locked up; for good. 

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Mother's Day

 I have wanted to sit down & write about sweet Evelyn's story, but life with a new born & 4 needy furry children has kept us both quite busy, and we love it! I find it quite appropriate that I'm sitting down to write this on Mother's Day evening. 

Mother's Day. I have waited for this day for years, but today it feels very bitter sweet. While my heart overflows with joy and love for getting to be Evelyn's mom, I know that there is another mom whose heart had to break into immeasurable pieces as she is not with her baby today.  I hope that she knows that we are eternally grateful for her sacrificial love and that her baby girl is the center of our world (don't tell Bella & Shelby). 

I think that is that hardest part of adoption...knowing that someone else's heart has to break for yours to be whole.  

Before I tell her story, let me share some pictures with you! Pictures can be worth a thousand words! 

Our first official family photo

The first day we arrived, I was the only one allowed to see Evelyn....legal department & nurses....so with me was the hospital social worker, Melissa...Evelyn's angel! 

Jared was able to meet her Day 2, and Melissa was again with us. 

Okay, now that you may or may not be crying, here is her story! 

As a waiting adoptive family, adoption is not always on the forefront of the mind. If it was, it would just about eat you alive with the waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Over 3 years, we had learned to patiently wait while not putting our lives on hold. We still checked in with our agencies, but not as often as we had in the beginning. Sometimes hearing that there was no news or news that was a bummer was just as depressing as the waiting. But trust me...there was not a day that went by that we did not pray for our future baby & their birth family. 

A little bit of background information. Evelyn was born at a HUGE county hospital, that has 6 Labor & Delivery floors. Yes, you read that right, 6. If you know Jared & myself, we did our best to de-friend the nurses and find out what it was like with so many L&D floors at this hospital. They said that sometimes each floor has upwards of 20-30 babies a day....holy cow. We also learned that each floor is assigned a Social Worker, and when 1 of 2 things happen, that Social Worker gets involved (I'm just going to note that I am sure that there are other instances, but this is what the nurses shared with us). If the mother has admitted to using drugs, Social Worker has to become involved per the state, and number 2, if the mother says that she does not want to parent her child. Of the 6 Social Workers that work Monday-Friday, only ONE is PRO-adoption. The others find it easier not to deal with legal, an agency, and adoptive families, and are most likely to put the baby in the custody of the state. How often does this happen you ask, 2-3 times a week. Yes, you also read that right. Well. Evelyn's angel, Melissa, is the only PRO-ADOPTION Social Worker, and she is the one who called our agency. If Evelyn had been born on any other floor, I would not be sitting here writing this blog today. Keep this in mind as you keep reading....God's hand was most certainly moving through it all, and continues to keep moving to this day. 

A little more background information. We had checked that we were okay with the 'drop-in' box. This means that a mom could show up a few days before, day of or a few after and decide that she wanted to place her child for adoption and we, the adoptive parents, would not have any notice. This would be what is called a 'drop-in' adoption. 

Okay, here we go, hop on for another roller coaster ride! 

Monday, December 13.

Jared & I were both going about our usual work days. I was busy at school, as this was the last week before Christmas Break, so we had rehearsal for the Christmas play in the morning & then it was on to tackle, I mean survive, I really mean have fun with the rest of the day. I was also coordinating our staff's 12 Days of Christmas, and Monday evening just so happened to be our staff outing that I had planned & was looking forward to...bowling! Jared was busy at work...retail & a post office right before Christmas means that if I need something from him during work hours, it better be life or death. I see him before he goes to work & not till he comes home, worn out & tired in the evenings. 

It was about 2:15 in the afternoon. I was with my switch class who LOVES to ask questions, and I was trying to tell them about the Science Fair and answer their 7.3 million questions...literally. My watch kept going off that I was getting text messages, and then it turned into phone calls. I could see that it was A calling me, but my brain was more concerned about answering all the questions and getting them settled before I took care of my phone exploding. When I finally had them semi-settled, I texted A back to let her know that I had students and I would call her back as soon as I could. She texted back one word: urgent. So, I casually walked down to the Nurses office (she is the closest to my room that could stand with my rowdy bunch while I made a quick phone call. I told her the adoption lady was calling me and says it urgent, did she mind watching my class. She got super excited, and I was still just curious why in the world she would be calling me when she knows I am in school. Yes, you are correct in thinking, why in the world is she not freaking out...y'all it had been a day and adoption was the last thing on my mind. 

So, I sat down and I called A. She told me that she needed me in *city* asap. I replied, well its the last week before a holiday, I'm not so sure I can do that. (still oblivious) She told me that she had a baby girl waiting for in *city*. I promptly told her to shut up, you're lying. (Yes, Dan that must be my reply for all important questions in my life.)  She said no, and went on to give me more details about sweet baby girl, and the situation. 

I hung up with A and ran back to my room. Excitedly told the nurse that we had a baby and I needed to leave. I ran into my room, packed a bunch of things into my bag not knowing when I would be back. As I was getting ready to leave, our sweet nurse asked what we had at home. I laughed and replied that I had a few outfits, delivery blankets & burp clothes. She, being the sweet southern gal she is, had a list of necessities texted to me in minutes. Top of the list, car seat. I bid the nurse farewell,  and ran out of school. No, I did not even stop by the principal's office...sorry Dr. M! 

As I was power walking to my car, I called Jared. He answered, very grumpy, with a 'what do you need?' All I was able to get out what, 'we have a baby,' and he hung up on me. I moved on, figuring that he had heard me and would also go get in his car and head home. 

Next on the list, while racing home to pack was calling my parents. I figured mom would be at home with dad, but she was not. She was checking out at an HEB and began crying, so I let her go and decided to call Jared back. He was on his way home, so we conferenced in his parents. Ironically, they were also at an HEB close to their house when we called them & his mom began to cry. So, we hung up with them. 

As I pulled into the driveway, my principal called. I profusely apologized for rushing out & said that I would not be back at school all week, and I would call our HR gal to get things sorted. He was just as excited for us. He was on a conference call & the office gals were in and out of his office asking what would they do, Brinker was gone. He was rightly, super confused. Don't worry--he was kept updated from here on out! 

I ran into the house, threw the pups in the backyard who were all super excited that mom was home early! Jared came home shortly after I did, and we both looked at each other, not sure if this was the real deal or not. Well, real deal or not, we were packing up our bags and headed to *city*. It was a mighty good thing this was a Monday, as I had just spent the weekend doing laundry that had piled up quite high. We packed our bags quite quickly. I went digging in the room of boxes, as I had been avoiding all the way unpacking after moving back home post freeze. I had to find the few things that we had including her baby book. 

We made arrangements for the pups. Kissed them goodbye, apologized to Bella for missing her birthday & hit the road. 

On our way to *city* we met my in-laws in a Target parking lot for a car seat & then headed to my parents for well wishes on our way. Once we were officially on the road, we made a few phone calls to siblings & some of their reactions were quite funny....they deserve a blog of their own. Get ready for that...because if you know our siblings, you know. 

We picked out her name on the car ride...also will get its own blog. :-) 

We arrived in *city* after the LONGEST car ride ever. Settled into our hotel because visiting hours were over. We both laid in bed...tossed and turned ALL. NIGHT. LONG. We were up before the chickens the next morning & ready to go....but we had to kill time before 9am. Hello Target trip #1. 

At 9am on the dot, we arrived at the hospital & waiting for A to arrive....morning traffic, you know? It took a while to get us in...visitors lists & what not & of course lovely Covid screening. This would become a daily thing, until our last day at the hospital, and we met the same girl every morning....

We got up to the LD&R floor and waited for Melissa, our social worker. She let us know that Evelyn's birthmom wanted to meet us. We nodded, smiled & I began freaking out on the inside. What if she doesn't like us in person? What if we don't meet her expectations? You list the question, you bet your bottom dollar that it was running through my head. As we waited, we were peaking through the nursery window trying to guess which baby was ours. 

When Melissa finally got the go ahead, we were able to meet Evelyn's birthmom & her sister. They were both SO sweet, and simply wanted the best for Baby Girl. We asked her mom a few questions & she asked us 2. 

From there, Melissa was able to take me to meet Baby Girl. It was just us in the room & I was nervous as all get out. I mean how are you supposed to feel? This wasn't in any class or book that we had read. 

The nurse wheeled her in, checked my DL with the copy she had & then handed me a precious baby girl. I immediately told her how much she was loved, wanted, and prayed for. And then I just held her and cried while she slept in my arms. Before I knew it, my time was up & the nurse came back to get her. 

Since she was born early & mom had no pre-natal care, they would keep her for 5 days per hospital policy. She was in the regular nursery, so we would be able to visit, we just had to make it known to the nurses that we were there and not going anywhere during visiting hours. 

I went out, showed A & the hubby the video I had taken & the few pictures. Then, we had lots of papers to sign with A. Melissa came out to see us and Baby Girl's birthmom wanted to know what I thought of the baby, was she okay, would we still take her. I was shocked and immediately said that she was the most perfect baby that I had ever held!  

The nurses wouldn't let me back again that day, so we did a lot of watching through the window. We went back to our hotel at the end of visiting hours, exhausted. We made a few phone calls & answered a few texts. I was radio silent for a few people until things were official the next morning. We entered another sleepless night. 

Wednesday morning, we met A, and the notary & witness up at the hospital. While we were 99% birthmom was going to sign and relinquish her rights, there is always that 1% in the back of our mind that will eat you alive, because if we have learned anything so far in this journey, its that ANTHING can happen. We went and sat by the elevators while I filled out insurance forms for work and waited & prayed...prayed harder than we probably ever have; not only that she would sign, but that she would be at peace with the decision that she was making for her precious baby girl. 

A came and got us and told us that every thing went 100% as planned & that Baby Girl was ours! We sat down to loads more paper work, but needed to make 2 phone calls before we did that. We each called our respective parents & told them we officially had a baby! (Should probably note that we spent all of our time not with Evelyn in the waiting room, which was right by the elevators). 

Little did I know, that my heart would break into about a million pieces. I was working on an email while Jared was on the phone, and Birthmom and her sister walked out to leave. A went over to them and talked to them. Then, I made eye contact with her birthmom, and she said, "Thank you, thank you very much." They turned and got on the elevators and left. 

Y'all. I can't even. I lost it. I cried big, ugly tears. I was not sure how in the world she could have possibly just done what she had. She was my superhero, because superhero strength is the only way that she was able to go without seeing her baby, signing her rights, and getting on the elevator and leaving. My heart was breaking for her, but filled with so much joy at the same time. 

After we signed more papers, we made more phone calls! These were pretty fun to make! The reactions were priceless & brought so much more joy into our day. 

We were finally able to get in to see Evelyn and we pushed the envelope & kept her till the nurses came for her! We stayed again till visiting hours were over! This was also the first time that Jared was able to see her & hold her. If I can ever get him to, I'll have him write about meeting his baby girl. 

For the next few days, we made sure that we were there when visiting hours began and we stayed until they were over till we busted out on Saturday!  She Facetimed with her grandparents every day & took turns calling all her aunts & uncles. 

Melissa, our social worker, will forever be our angel. 

Evelyn's birthmom, forever our superhero. 

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I'm finishing this blog on May 9. 23 years ago, today was Mother's Day and we lost our precious Aunt Penny. I'd like to think that she played a major role up there in our getting Evelyn & making sure that her birthmother was watched over for 9 months, since she was a midwife. Aunt Penny, thank you for our miracle. I know that you would have been down here on the next flight when you found out! You watch over baby girl every night & take your turn patting that diaper butt so someone sleeps. :-) 

Home, Sweet Home

 I know that I have not updated in a long time, but life has been running at 100mph on cruise control, with no signs of slowing down! 

The school year ended 2 weeks into June due to our delayed start last year. It was a long two weeks. I was walking through mud and my shoes got stuck with every step that I took to get to June 11th. Crossing that finish line at the end of a school year has never been sweeter! Then, because a teacher never stops, I left as soon as my students were gone & made the trek to my fun summer gig, DECATS. DECATS is a 3 week program for Gifted & Talented students where they get to take classes that are of interest to them. While there, I teach a sewing class (who woulda thunk it) and a World War II class. Its fun for the scholars and for the mentors! While DECATS is so much fun, it was quite the turn around going from my school year teaching gig to the summer teaching gig....wooo---eeee!! It as a doozey this year, but worth being end-of-year-teacher-tired for 3 weeks! 

No rest for the weary in July! I took a week long training to get certified in Dyslexia Intervention. It was informational, but way more than I had signed up for. Note to self---read all of the fine print. After that, I hosted my own sewing camp at work! It was fun to have some of my former students back in 'class' with me! 

While all this is happening, we are still living with Jared's parents, which means continued long commutes to where we are going. 

Middle of July, an opportunity to foster 4 sweet puppies presented itself, and well, I just couldn't say no. They were the sweetest little monkeys, as always. They were very young...4weeks when HCR got them, so they needed some extra loving. You can bet that there was no lack in puppy loving. 

Those sweet babies came at just the right time. We were in the final push to get back into our house. Stress about getting things done and done on time was enough to eat you alive. Those sweet babies were the perfect distraction. I highly encourage having puppies on hand if you are ever remodeling your house. 

Since the puppies left....we have had 2 more fosters. Dutchess was adopted quickly after her spay! Sweet Jesse arrived not long after, and she is getting lots of love while on medical hold. She was a farm girl...never been an inside dog before. It has been heartwarming to watch her learn about all the doggie things! The TV still baffles her. She loves the couch, and has recently discovered sleeping on the bed. She is very timid and shy if she does not know you, but we are working on that. She discovered Shelby's toy bin pretty quickly...she doesn't quite know what she should do with them, but enjoys taking them all one by one from room to room. The pink flamingo is her favorite & often ends up in the bed with her at night. Sigh. Goes against our no toys or bones in bed rule that Shelby & Bella have to follow. 

What might be the most important update though...WE ARE HOME. While we may be living in a semi-construction zone, we get to go to sleep in our own bed each night. I don't know who missed home more...us or the puppers! Dexter was so excited to see a crate set back up with a comfy blanket. He loves sleeping in a crate! Bella was so excited for her backyard. There were so many squirrels for her to chase & all of her neighbor friends to bark at through the fence. Sweet Shelby doesn't have to fight for a space on the couch anymore and can sleep curled by my feet all night. Then, Sweet Sadie Mae...has her dog beds to herself. She has her favorite spot back holding up her favorite wall again. As for Jared & I...I think that we are most happy to simply be just us again. Not having to worry about intruding anymore. We get excited to hang up clothes in our closets! I enjoy taking a shower and not having to worry about if anyone is going to happen to walk in. I have so missed my BIG washer and dryer! 

We learned a lot. We grew a lot. We became closer. But I just have to say, I hope that we never have to go through something like that again. We are still battling the insurance company, but that may go on for some time. 

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Some time ago, I wrote a post about adoption being a ministry, and not just something that you do. I expressed want to adopt 2 Maternity Homes, one in Houston and one in Austin. I was thrilled about all those who expressed an interest in helping! Well, now that I am home, I feel that the time is right to begin that, especially since the Heartbeat Bill came into law. My hope is that these maternity homes are bustling with women who are seeking the help to choose life for their sweet child. These sweet moms need to feel loved, accepted, and known. 

I have pondered a name for this ministry, and what it should be called. I have settled on Mary's Embrace. Mary is the perfect example of an unplanned pregnancy carried out with love. I pray that choosing to bless these mother's in her name will wrap them in her loving mantle as they tackle difficult decisions throughout their pregnancy. 

This month, September, I am asking for donations of things for around the house. Twin Size, white sheets, white bath towel sets, mattress covers, and new standard pillows. I am hoping to deliver things the last weekend of September, the 25th. If you are a baker, I would love to include some homemade goodies for the moms, and would collect those the few days before the 25th. 

Also, if you have any gently loved maternity clothes, I know that those would be appreciated as well. 

Let me know if you would like to drop something off, and I will make sure that I have a tub on the porch for it. I am also going to include an Amazon list that you could purchase off of as well if you would like. 

Here is the Amazon Link:  https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/ROLHXVBIU9MZ?ref_=wl_share

Thank you for helping me love these mothers like Mary. :-) 

The Woman at the Well

Moving, new routines, formal observations, EOY meetings, new routines, hiring a lawyer, dealing with insurance, some days--crazy kids...where is summer?!, and did I mention new routines? 

Since I last wrote things have changed quite a bit for us. Our lease ended with our sweet friend & we are so grateful for the time we were able to be there. So, we moved in with my sweet in-laws. Our commutes might be a little bit longer, but our hearts are full. But, even fuller than our hearts just might be our dogs....they LOVE Grandma & Grandpa's house. Shelby is everyone's favorite, but she LOVES her Gigi. She became Gigi's dog when she was living with us after Hurricane Harvey. She patiently waits for her to get up in the morning, and is either at her feet or curled up next to her on the 'Seniors' couch. In the evenings though, Shelby will gladly hop from lap to lap (not including her parents, I guess that she gets enough of us). Bella thinks life is great barking at the Great Danes. Sadie Mae enjoys sleeping in the hallway away from the hustle & bustle. Dexter is in good company as the 'play police' with his cousin, Turk. They guard the backyard together & then get after everyone when they play too much. Dexter walks out into the backyard & stares into Turk's house waiting for him to be let out. Sigh...boys. 

This has also meant new routines for mom and dad. Our commute is quite a bit longer (even than if we were home), so our wake-up call comes bright & early. I will give that it is nice to watch the sun rise during my drive to work, but I am even more tired by the time I get home in the evenings. 

We have officially hired a lawyer, based on a great rec from a sweet family at my school, to go after Allstate...yes, I'm giving you a name, for our Dwelling Claim. That means the general rebuilding of our house...like walls and ceilings. Our experience with Allstate has been great until now, and after this, we will be leaving...I mean running. Some day, I will write the saga that this has become to get our house put back together. Just know it has not been all rainbows & sunshine...more like thunder & rain. 

The end of the school year is looming....3 weeks left. 15 school days!! We can do it....kinda...hopefully...hanging on by a thread....

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In my longer commute, there is actually time for my Pandora to connect to the car & time for the music to play. Most days, it's a daze of listening to the hum of the music in the background while thinking about all of the things that I have to accomplish for the day. While Lent was fruitful, I felt that I was left empty and longing for more during that time. It has been this season of Easter that has slowly been filling my soul. There is a song that caught my attention, and would snap me out of my daily trance. It is called 'The Well.' (See lyrics below & a link to listen) While listening, I immediately thought of the women at the well, who meets Jesus. At first, she does not know who He is and questions why & was He sure that he wanted water from that well, it was pretty deep. But, she comes to learn who He is and much more importantly, what He has to offer, Eternal Life. 

For months, I have found myself longing for something more, longing for a soft place to land, and longing for someone to take away the tremendous burden that I was carrying around. I have been the woman at the well. I have been going to Mass, but simply going through the motions. I have had quiet prayer time, and more often than not doze off into sleep. I have been going to the well, but not truly sitting and listening to who is there, waiting to offer the gift of life. Waiting to give food and drink of Eternal Life. 

When this finally dawned on me, it was after we had moved, and we were about a week into our new routine. I slowly began to realize all that I could leave at the well, and it would be taken care of for me. 

I left behind the fear and concern for the furry babies changing houses yet again, with the peace that they were happy & being loved. 

I left behind my daily, multiple phone calls to insurance, with the peace that someone else was going to fight my battle for me. 

I left the feeling of need to have it all together all the time for everyone, and the peace that it is okay to lose it; someone is there waiting to pick up the pieces, and build something new and better. 

I left figuring out our house with the peace that our contractor did have a plan to begin the work. 

I have left figuring out dinner each night to my other half, with the peace that he will get it done because he will not miss a meal. 

I have been working, very hard, at leaving work at work, unless it is something pressing that needs to be done at home, giving me the peace of mind that tomorrow is another day, and everything will get done. 

I have been working hard on taking care of me, leaving it all at the well, and sitting with the teacher. I have found peace at night sitting with some Catholic books (that I treated myself to) to help me both relax and find peace. 

While our journey with our home is far from over, I have finally found peace with where we are at, sitting at The Well. 

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Our contractor has been busy at work this week! The week before, Jared was very busy with his dad and brother, getting insulation installed, and working on some electrical work around the house. 

I was busy myself, and went and got lots of Miraculous Medals & St. Benedict medals from my favorite Catholic Book store (https://littlefloweronline.square.site/). I then walked around our house, with my Holy Water too, and tucked a Miraculous Medal inside the insulation in each room in the house, and a St. Benedict Medal next to each entry. Jared was following me, and bickering that my dash of Holy Water was getting his insulation a smidge wet...I told him to buck up buttercup. We may not have been able to put them in the traditional place, the foundation, but this will just have to do, and I think that it is just as good.  

I also stocked up our fridge for the workers. Happy workers, good work done, right?

But, the best news ever is that we have WALLS AND CEILINGS AGAIN!! When I sit in my bathroom, I can no longer see all the way into my sewing room. 

Pictured, hard worker guy...but my bathroom has walls again!! 

Hoping to begin collecting & blessing those 2 Pro-Life Houses in June! May was a tad crazy, but I promise that is still happening!! 

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Leave it all behind

I have what you need

But you keep on searchin'

I've done all the work

But you keep on workin'

When you're runnin' on empty

And you can't find the remedy

Just come to the well

You can spend your whole life

Chasin' what's missing

But that empty inside

It just ain't gonna listen

When nothing can satisfy

And the world leaves you high and dry

Just come to the well

And all who thirst will thirst no more

And all who search will find what their souls long for

The world will try, but it can never fill

Leave it all behind, and come to the well

So bring me your heart

No matter how broken

Just come as you are

When your last prayer is spoken

Just rest in my arms a while

You'll feel the change my child

When you come to the well

And all who thirst will thirst no more

And all who search will find what their souls long for

The world will try, but it can never fill

So leave it all behind, and come to the well

Yeah

Leave it all behind

The world will try, but it can never fill, leave it all behind

And now that you're full

Of love beyond measure

Your joy's gonna flow

Like a stream in the desert

Soon all the world will see that living water is found in me

'Cause you came to the well

And all who thirst will thirst no more

And all who search will find what their souls long for

The world will try, but it can never fill

So leave it all behind, and come to the well

Leave it all behind, leave it all behind

Leave it all behind, leave it all behind, and come to the well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKioQPEW4do

 

Adoption Equals Ministry

A couple of weekends ago, we took a very short trip to Austin for a weekend with one of our Adoption Agencies. Much to Jared's delight, I was awake the whole drive, which equals deep conversation. I'm sure that he was overjoyed not to have to listen to his Podcast. **Inserts evil laugh**

We had a wonderful discussion on the way up about the different things that formed and shaped our faith and who we are today. It could have been where we were going. It could have been my musical choice of a lovely Pandora station. Or, let's get real here for a minute, it was God. We both chatted back and forth about what it was that had the largest impact....was it Life Nights, volunteering at EDGE, being on the IHM Senior Team, being a Core Team member, playing Ultimate Frisbee, JHDC, (see adventures from youth ministry here... https://lessonslearnedonestumbleatatime.blogspot.com/2013/06/finding-joy.html ) , or eating pizza every Tuesday....I mean XLT. We both concluded what while everything had a large impact, and those whom we were around played a large part as well, the thing that radically changed our lives was XLT. 

If you ask Jared, he will say that free food always wins...I mean, what better way to lure in high school kids than a promise of pizza? Well done, youth ministry, well done. Food is the way to a teens heart. Then, one you have been lured there (which sounds awful) you realize why you are really there. It may not be in that moment, or even within those days or years. It will most likely be years down the road, when you go man, what I wouldn't give for an awesome Tuesday evening filled with pizza & Jesus. 

These Tuesdays were so much more than we realized as participants. Jared loved being able to serve with the Priest, and escort Jesus over the the CLC from the Church....field trip! He found that time, and those conversations so valuable. Did you know that he was discerning becoming a Priest in High School? Crazy, I know. Ask him about his story sometime, and the awesome advice that he was given by a treasured Priest friend. As for me, I loved the praise & worship during Adoration. There was nothing more fulfilling that singing at the top of your lungs, praising a God that loves you unconditionally, and is constantly pouring out His grace to you day after day. It was in those moments that we truly began to value how integral, important, pivotal, inspirational the Eucharist is, and that it is the pinnacle point of our faith. 

Now, why am I rambling on about XLT...I know that you are asking yourself that right now. Well, in diving deeper with the Eucharist, it drove us into the ministry that we became part of for so many years. We did everything under the sun....and then some. Then, we reached a point where we were just burnt out, and it was time to step away for awhile, and discern where we were as a newly married couple. For us, that meant moving to a parish closer to home, and focusing on us. 

For a few years now, we have struggled with where we are called to give our time with the Church. We were supposed to be back in youth ministry? If we were to be involved in another ministry, which one? Oh the decisions! 

Well, this weekend was eye and heart opening in more than one way. We always knew that adoption was more than just getting a baby and adding to your family. There are way more hearts involved than just ours. When picking an agency, it was so important to us that the birth mother would be taken care of after the adoption had happened by the agency. Little did we know, that this would also involve us. 

Adoption in and of itself is a ministry, and such a beautiful one. Not only is there an opportunity to minister to the family that is adopting, but a beautiful opportunity to minister to the mom, and her family, who out of love, placed their child for adoption.  Birth mothers need just as much support and love. They have literally given a piece of themselves to someone else. 

So, how can you get involved in the ministry of adoption, I'm sure you are asking yourself at this moment. Well, here are a few ideas--pray for a family going through adoption. Prayers for them as they are walking their journey will mean more to them than anything else.  

There is also another lovely option, and that is finding a maternity home and donating towards their needs. While those mothers may not always be placing a child for adoption, they have made the choice to parent at what is likely a difficult point in their life. I like to think of them as "Pro-Life Houses." Without them, many mothers may be making other decisions. These homes not only care for those moms that may be living there, but care for them after they have moved out as well, helping them to get on their feet. 

I have spent the past few weeks in prayer, along with Jared. We feel called to love on those mothers (adoptive or not) in the maternity homes. There is one in Houston, LifeHouse (https://lifehousehouston.org/) , and one in Austin, Sarah's House (http://breathoflifesite.org/sarahs-house-maternity-home/).  Each month, we will be reaching out to these ministries, and asking what they need specifically, and then look to collect donations from those who feel called to give. 

The pieces of the puzzle have fallen into place so nicely, so I will be starting in May, which just so happens to be appropriately the month of The Blessed Virgin. Be on the lookout for a post on how & when to donate!! Jared & I are truly excited about this opportunity to minister to these moms! We pray that you might join in with us as well. 

A few other life updates.....

We are still not in our house. No, they have not begun work....insurance is pushing back hard, but we are pushing back harder, fighting tooth & nail for our little house. We want a home that is done...nothing fancy. Girl just wants some walls back up, a kitchen & a bathtub....too much to ask for? Apparently it is if you ask our insurance company. 

https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-the-brinker-family-rebuild-their-home?qid=f23d393061c4d60c26417ae3930cfb4e&utm_campaign=p_cp_url&utm_medium=os&utm_source=customer

We could not be in a better place with K...she has made staying with her like being with our own parents. Bonus that she loves our furballs too! It doesn't hurt that they are all cute, and know how to give her the puppy eyes to get what they want, either. Sadie Mae especially, gets anything she wants. Can we say spoiled??? 

We are still prayerfully waiting in the adoption world as well, but know that everything will happen in God's timing....cause He knows that we are not in our house right now & that I just may freak out if we have to get a home study done on another house. 

I gave up my house for Lent.

Lent has always been an awkward Liturgical Season for me. You give up something, and do really well...for a bit then inevitably something happens and chocolate and wine find their way back into your life. I am sure that there is someone out there who agrees with me? 

Lent is a season of sacrifice, and deep prayer. I have always dove deep into the Sorrowful Mysteries of the Rosary, finding Lent to be a time to enter into a deeper relationship with Mary. This is probably one of my favorite parts of Lent...joining my suffering to His, and taking comfort that in the end death has no grip on me. 

As with adoption, each season seems to take on a new meaning. Adoption is all about waiting; faithful waiting and basking in the fact that all things happen in God's timing and not in ours. We are still waiting...patiently, most days, waiting. 

This year, just seems to be a whole new 'level' of Lent. I was chatting with a friend, and we were discussing what each of us had decided that we were going to give up this year for Lent. I giggled, then asked, in my best serious voice, "Does giving up my house count?"  

Now, why in the world would someone give up their house? Well, you see, it was not voluntarily done. When the apocalypse happened, and Texas literally froze, we had several pipes burst. Which, ordinarily would not have been a huge issue, but we were not home when it happened, so our little house filled right on up with water. When our kind neighbor told us that the power was back on the neighborhood, Jared went to check on his grandma (who fell & broke her hip Sunday) and then went to check on the house before we brought all of the dogs back. When he walked into the house, through the front door, he was greeted to several inches of water on the floor, and the ceiling in our entry way was on the floor. It's a good thing that he knows how to turn off the water because he ran back out and turned off our main water line. Then back in to assess the damage, which is when he called me. To quote, I said hello, what's up? Jared, "The damn ceiling is on the damn floor." Then he promptly said that the had to go. Well, his dad was iced in Byran, so I called his brother. Jacob answers, assuming Liz & I need something. I said no, apparently the ceiling is on the floor at my house, can you go and check on Jared. He left work & rushed over. 

Since then, it has been a whirlwind of being on the phone...all the time. Calling and filing with insurance, and then calling every remediation company that has a good rating on Google, and getting on their list. I called the same day it happened, and could not be given a date for service. That was the same song & tune for all 15 companies I called. Some were kind, and we got on their lists; others, frustrated just like homeowners & showing it in their customer service. 

By the grace of God, we were able to secure a remediation company to come out, but the damage had already been done. A little science fun for you. If you live in Texas, the weather is never to far away from 80 degrees, and if you have holes in your ceiling, your A/C cannot keep the house cool. So, what happens? Mold. Mold is what happens. As they tore down walls...they kept finding mold growing. I knew that it had taken over my new sewing room, as it was visible, the rest of it was hidden behind walls, floors and cabinets. What started as just a wet mess, was quickly becoming a wet & moldy mess. Thank goodness the remediation company knew what they were doing, and took the appropriate steps to save things. 

As I sit back and think on the answer I gave to my sweet friend though, I gave up more than my house this Lent. I gave up being comfortable. So often God calls us to do things that are out of our comfort zone, and out of our norm, but we often shy away from those things because we do not like being uncomfortable. 

I am comfortable in my own home, my own routine, and setting. I hate, despise, and loathe change. I am a home-body, and find comfort in my routines. If 'giving up my house' for Lent is teaching me anything, it is about being okay with change and learning how to lean in to being uncomfortable, which by the way, is anything but comfortable. 

I had to learn really quick how to get along without my bed. 

I had to learn to let Shelby go cuddle elsewhere in the evening. Apparently when you stay with your friends, you sleep with your friends. 

I have had to learn to plan my wardrobe for the week since my closet lives at my mom's. I joke that I wish I had Jared's option of a handy Ace polo & jeans daily. At least Friday's are easy, Spirit Day! 

I have had to plan for my weekend days & what I would like to do, as I am often at my mom's doing laundry. 

I have had to learn that it is okay if someone else cooks dinner for my husband and I. 

I have had to learn how to shop differently...feeding 4 adults instead of 2 &  no sewing room with school/work snack storage. 

I have learned that sometimes routines have to change...as much as you do not want them to.  Creating new routines and new habits is tiring and stressful...on a daily basis. 

I have to remember to not go home after work. 

I have learned how to ask for help. Gulp. Probably the hardest thing to learn out of all of this. Jared and I are the typically the last people that will ask for help. The tables are usually turned, and we are always helping others. We have asked more of our friends, and our families lately than we probably ever really have had to do.  

There is so much more that I have had to learn. This just seems to be the tip of the iceberg that has become the Great Flood post the Great Freeze. We are wading into the waters of dealing with insurance. So far the water is cold, very, very cold.  

If being uncomfortable is what God has called me to be this Lent, then I would say it is going swimmingly well. We were not made to be comfortable in today's world. If you are comfortable in how you are living, are you challenging yourself to do new things, to grow, to learn? Comfort is wonderful, but the uncomfortable is where we truly grow. The iron put in the fire sure isn't comfortable, but it becomes something new and wonderful after. It seems to be that all of the growing, molding, and learning seems to happen when we are outside of our comfort zone. 

I know that after this storm, that we will come out on the other side better and stronger. There might not be a more fitting season to be in this storm than during Lent. Uniting my suffering with the suffering of the cross. This is where I have been planted this season, and learning to grow in my uncomfort is where I am. If you ask how things are going, you may get a variety of answers depending on where I am sitting in that very moment. I will do my best to give you an answer with grace, but sometimes, life just gets the best of you and emotions just overcome you. 

So, I will be enjoying a glass of wine, and some chocolate, because for Lent, I gave up my house. 

**On a side note, our sweet Collie rescue community has set up a GoFundMe to help us with costs that have come up & that will come up. We have had to say no to fostering for the foreseeable future, which breaks my heart. 

https://gofund.me/fbef83cf

So Long & Farewell to 2020

 As I sit on the couch, with a precious Collie girl Bella in my lap, as the fireworks begin to go off, it is a reminder that this year, this weird, odd, bizarre and at times, cruel year is coming quickly to end. Looking back on this year, so many things have happened, and so many things have not. I decided tonight is as good as any to look back and reflect on what this year has meant to the Brinker's, while the sweet Tequila in my favorite margarita, eases the pain of things that were dreamed of, wished for, and prayed for in 2020. 

In our world of fostering & rescuing, there were so many happy moments that overshadowed all that was going on in this world. Our sweet Sage, who we had for over 6 months, finally found her furever home in early June. That girl has hit the jackpot with her new family and we could not be happier about where she has landed. We fostered 2 different sets of puppies, the "Friends" litter, Chandler, Joey & Phoebe came along at just the right time. Virtual school had just begun, and I was deep into the trenches of trying to figure out this new mode of teaching over night. Those puppies quickly became members of our class, and regularly made it onto our video calls. Then came short and sweet, Miss Emma. She was quite the puppy...gave Bella a run for her money! As with puppies, she was gone in a few short weeks! Then Miss Lassie came along...skunked. Yes, you read that correctly, she has been skunked. That was just as fun as a barrel full of monkeys let me tell you. Girlfriend got a bath, then another, got groomed...and the skunk smell was finally beginning to fade. She hopefully goes for a sleepover tomorrow...praying that it goes well! Then, we rounded out the year with a second set of puppies, our "Sports Teams" litter, 3 boys---Astro, Comet & Rebel, and their so sweet little sister, Aggie. They were Christmas puppies....yes, I know, how cute would reindeer names have been...stinking adorable, that's how cute. Missed opportunity there. There is just something exciting about giving a pup their new name for their new beginning. 10 fosters for 2020...to me that is a whole lotta good. 

Emma---a whole lotta personality in that little dog! 

The "Friends" litter...they were such little lovers! 

The most recent puppies...the "Sports Teams" litter! And yes, I put them in a stocking and took their pictures. That is what a good mama does. 

Beautiful Sage. She overcame a lot to get where she is today. 

2020 stole our sweet Micky boy from us. He was diagnosed with cancer on a Wednesday, and by the following Monday, our sweet boy was telling us that it was time to let him go across the Rainbow Bridge. That boy healed our hearts and brought so much joy to our house. He was such a happy dog, and loved everyone that he met...even if you did not like him. He was a sensitive soul too. I have a theory about Tri-Colored collies. They are way more vocal than their counterparts, and boy are they such sensitive souls...they pick up on EVERYTHING going on around them. Micky was no exception...he loved with all that he had and all that he was, a beautiful boy gone way to soon. 

My most handsome Micky. Hey Micky, you're so fine....

2020 was just cruel enough that I helped my boy pass over Rainbow Bridge, and then I had to prepare to begin Distance Learning the next day....man, that was rough. Thanks, 2020. I put a smile on, and off I went doing what I do best! Speaking of Distance Learning, what a trip that was. A crash course in technology that you think you know how to use, but hey, its 2020, you really have no clue what you are doing. It's like walking in the dark and there are legos scattered across the floor. Some steps are great, and others hurt like hell. My foot still hurt from Micky, and I just kept on stepping on those legos for a few weeks until I got into the groove of working from home, and teaching through a computer (What is life even at this point?!) We made it though. The ride might have been rough, we may not have always kept our hands and feet in the vehicle at all times, but we survived, and we thrived in the end. 

Our sweet nephew, Brooks was born the day after Jared's birthday! He is the cutest little nugget, and his pictures and videos bring so much joy! He was born a few days before my Spring Break began. When Spring Break arrived, I packed up in the car & took off for Memphis (before lockdowns and stay-home orders) to love on that sweet boy & take care of his mama. I soaked up all of the baby cuddles that week! We snuck up again in the summer to love on that sweet baby some more, and so Jared could meet him! Then back again super quick in August for his Baptism. 

All of the new baby snuggles! 

Sweet chrism after his Baptism. 

Baptism day! 

His Auntie Shannyn made his Baptism Cake! 

I taught myself how to do something new during quarantine!  Quilting! I love the idea of building something beautiful out of nothing! I have made baby blankets for a few years, but really dove head first into the world of quilting this year. I watching a whole lotta Missouri Star Quilt Co. videos, with Jenny giving tutorials. This expanded into me finding a place to get certified to use a long arm quilting machine so that I could quilt my own quilts. Found Double E Quilting, and love their friendships that are forming, and all of the knowledge that I am learning from Eva!! My goal is to one day own a Lucey of my own in the sewing room that my sweet hubby, brother & father in law are building me! Jared says its time for me to move out of the living room. I have also created my own little quilting business, Sparkling Ridge Quilts--find me on Facebook or Instagram! 

My first quilt! 

Quilting has also been great for keeping my hands and mind busy as we enter into year 2 of our adoption journey. I have found that if I have something to keep focused on, it helps to keep my scattered mind from wandering too much. Needless to say, a lot of quilts have come together since the quarantine began... 14 quilts in total....and ahem, well, a whole lot waiting patiently to be created. I keep telling myself that there is no such thing as too much fabric...there is no such thing as too much fabric...if you keep saying it, it will be true, right?!

As we round out 2020, we are still waiting. Some days are tougher than others. We pray for our phones to ring with good news. While nothing happened in this realm in 2020, so much more did, and for those things, we are still grateful for in our lives. We sure have gotten to spend a lot more time together...whether this is a good or a bad thing, well that depends on the day and who you ask.  2020 was more a year for the dogs....mom worked from home & they could not have been more thrilled! It was quite the adjustment for them...and me...when work began again in August. 

We also welcomed the most dapper Dexter to our family....something about those Tri's....

                                 We pray that in 2021, all of your hopes and dreams come true!